no longer the shinning new toy..

how ironic can this world be.that intriguing force that pulls you in.as you go against the world order to find that little cryptic truth.even if. you do know that its going to bring me that unfathomable unexplainable vexation.as you are enthralled by this absolutely indifferent new obsession.that indifferent attitude makes you feel even more vextated.and you would still have to act nochalant bout it.i hate it when contractditions occurs.the skeptical questions asked.will you fathom these vextations inflicted..

i have been backspacing my typed out word alot, recently.my head feels like its about to explode right infront of this computer.with all the blood splashed onto the screen as i see my thoughts scattered all over.i guessed you would know this is about you. Or.. stay oblivious.i backspace and contradict myself everytime i wish to blog.i would not want to cause unwelcome reactions.but then i thought,

whats the point of blogging if you are actually not able to post what you really are feeling.even if you do blog, there is the obvious hidded words and tone as you are not able to totally type it in full meanings. as you hide the true meanings.for the contradicitons

i frustrate myself with all the vexations caused by you.would you stay oblivious or are u acting oblivious to these truths.things has been worser and worser as day passes.i guess you found your shinning new toy.and its obvious that im no longer that shinning new toy.it still agonizes me though, to realise this.i kept asking myself.when i went to the back of the class to read the notes, all i thought was BullShits.time and again, situations has taught me that things will never last, or am i so unlucky that im always caught up on situations like that.and then i reflected on myself, and i thought of the law of contradictions. its probably that i give myself too much that the law of contradictions occurs.isit because i was always there whenever wherever? isit because i've put in too much? isit because i've made myself too easy to reach?isit because im always easy to be used?i hate myself for always being abused.would you feel the same way as i feel, the agonizing vextations i feel.i would deem myself rather as putting alot of a little bit of everything into this f/s. it seems that eveytime the same thing occurs.always the same reason.
i was backspacing again..

the thing that cant seem to get out of my mind.why isit that when i leterally begged you, and you refuse to budge in to my requests.and you agreed instantly the moment that new toy asked you.and the reason was, that the lighthing was brighter.i do admit that im abit jealous lah.but as a Leo, as me, i thought the WHOLE world knows im sensitive and insecure.i feel that you do know that im pissed off. and i do know that you are pissed off too.i thought that i would at least be the one person,able to be let you trust.i hope im able to be trusted by you.to be at least a good friend to you.no matter what. what sets the difference between the shinning new toy whom seems to dazzle you at the moment whereasi thought i was that good friend.who am i?what do i mean to you?or am i just a Thing..

i seldom so damn freaking well to a person.and cant u see that i actually treat u god damn well? there are the only 3 that i've treated well.two of them left me deeply dissapointed. there was Sheri.Yunting.Peiyun.suddenly. i miss peiyun so much.the urge to just see her or talk to her.Chong PeiYun, if you read this. be glad i mentioned you name. i knw you have always wish for me to admit that i miss you(:

after typing so much, i have the thought to backspace all of these..i hope things would be better and not worsen.i hope even if i did not backspace, we would still be the same.though i know that would be difficult..i do not want to wish to regret not backspacing my thoughts..i cant believe it that i've type so much till now.. and i aint feeling any better.its making me so miserable. i am pretty emo. goddamnit.im glad my family is eating out today.i gave me a reason.i would have drag my feet there..at about 30cm per second..

i have so much more to say...
i keep edditing this post..
Chapters of the Day...
i backspaced my 9 chapters.. and re post it back.

im vextated.
i feel like Edward, when he knew about
the baby, and what it was doing to bella.
the agonizing stare he gave jacob when
he knelt to the ground and begged jacob.
hysterical..